Archive for Humor

Mushrooms

Molecular biologists contend that man is descended from mushrooms. Believe it. Some mushrooms have evolved into politicians. They flourish in Israel. Ever seen such bland politicians?

Because mushrooms lack chlorophyll, they’re destitute of color, and, like Israeli prime ministers, they crumble under the slightest pressure.

Mushrooms, of course, are fungi, and many reproduce by asexual means. That’s pretty much the case of Israeli politicians: Israel’s system of proportional representation produces an abundance of sterile politicians.

Some mushrooms are deadly. They're called “toadstools.” A weird assortment of such fungi populated Israel's Knesset. The head of the Knesset's most numerous fungi forms Israel's cabinet.

Like a toadstool, with its umbrella-shaped cap, the cabinet caps the most ill-assorted fungi. Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has been classified as coprinus comatus, the Latin designation of a Horsetail Mushroom. » Continue reading “Mushrooms”

Comments off

ET From Mars

ET came from subterranean Mars. He landed unseen near the Lincoln Memorial. Read the Gettysburg Address … “Four score and seven years ago …” Went to the Library of Congress. Studied American history to the present day. Saw that America had lost its way, no longer the home of the free and the land of the brave. Saw that cretins and cravens had gained political ascendancy.

Stupefied by “higher education,” Americans were oblivious of their internal enemies. Nor did they know of their most dangerous external enemy—Iran-centered Shia Islam, spreading into Iraq, Lebanon, Jordan, Gaza, the West Bank. Iran, positioned to turn the spigot off the oil flowing through the Strait Hormuz and thus collapse the West without nuclear weapons. Iran, whose Revolutionary Guard, Shia warriors, spearhead the new Persian Empire. Dedicated—not fanatics like Osama bin Laden—but Machiavellians experienced in asymmetrical warfare, the same that trashed Israel in Lebanon,

ET went to the Middle East. He saw that Shia Iran, which could field one million warriors and control more than 50 percent of the world’s black gold, was too clever, too disciplined, too quiet, too patient, too animated by imperial ambitions to concern itself any longer with suicide bombings.

Quietly it proceeded to convert Sunni Muslims to its cause. Quietly it accumulated more proxies. Quietly, with one fait accomplis after another, it gained more recruits, control of more sources of energy vis- -vis Israel and the United States—two nations whose massive military power in the hands of secularists was nothing compared to the growing and increasingly sophisticated religio-military power of Shia Islam. » Continue reading “ET From Mars”

Comments off

The Report of Rok-19 from Mars

Rok-19 is from Mars. He has been sent to the earth by the Martian Board of Celestial Inquiry. Alights in England day after the 7/7 Muslim terrorist attack in the London tubes. Wonders what this is all about. Goes to Oxford, its great library. Digests one book an hour on Islam: the Quran, Muhammad, the Hadith (Islamic tradition), Saladin, Khomeini, the Islamic Revolution, about the “Great Satan” (America) and the “Little Satan” (Israel).

Decides he must go the US, and Harvard library. Same stuff plus 9/11. Off to Israel and its National Library. Reads about formation of PLO in 1964 (about Arafat and the PLO Charter); about the Six Day War of 1967; about Israel’s policy of “land for peace” leading to the Oslo Agreement of 1993 and the Wye River Memorandum of 1998—and 10,000 resulting Jewish casualties, Reads about unilateral disengagement from Gaza in 2005 followed by rise of Iranian proxy Hamastan and 5,000 Arab missile attacks on Sderot.

Reads about the government’s policy of releasing Arab terrorists—7,000 since 1993, who go on to murder 300 more Jews; how the government arms and pays Arab terrorists and is anxious to withdraw from Judea and Samaria, including eastern Jerusalem. Reads how the policy of land for peace prompts willingness to withdraw from the strategic Golan Heights after 31 years of no conflict with Syria. Comes to the conclusion that Israel’s political elites are: » Continue reading “The Report of Rok-19 from Mars”

Comments off

Let’s Be Constructive and Cheerful

Aren’t you tired of all the depressing news reported by the media? Aren’t you fed up with the failings of the United States—the bastion of freedom and democracy? Aren’t you dismayed by the hundreds of mosques in the United States preaching jihad? Aren’t you sick of paying more than four dollars per gallon of gasoline?

Are you worried about Iran becoming a nuclear power? Would you like to see President Bush wake up from his torpor and order the US Air Force to bomb Iran? Not a chance. U.S. military forces are tied down in Iraq. American public opinion would call for his impeachment. Besides, bombing Iran will insure Obama’s victory over McCain.

So, let’s ignore dismal reportage and lighten up. » Continue reading “Let’s Be Constructive and Cheerful”

Comments off

The Hudna

A current joke reflects the typical Israeli approach to the hudna:

Question: How do you say, “Hold on a minute, stop shooting while I reload my automatic rifle” in Arabic?

Answer: Hudna.

Question to Defense Minister Ehud Barak: “Any comment?”

Answer: “Duh.”

Question to Prime Minister Ehud Olmert: “Do you support a hudna?» Continue reading “The Hudna

Comments off

Orthodoxy Tongue-in-Cheek

Two articles appeared in the December 12, 2007 issue of The Jerusalem Post—one by Orthodox Rabbi Emanuel Feldman, the other by Reform Rabbi Elyse Frishman. (How strange: notice the second syllable of their respective last names, although Elyse is female.) The two articles reminded me of something I wrote for my grandson fourteen years ago before his bar mitzvah, when he asked me “What is an ultra-orthodox Jew?”

The term “orthodox” is of Greek origin and is derived from two Greek words: orthos, meaning “true,” “correct,” “straight”—think of “orthopedics”—and doxa, meaning “opinion.”

  1. 1.  To describe any Jew as “orthodox” is to say, in effect, that he has true or correct opinions.

  2. 2.  Hence, to call any Jew “ultra-orthodox” is absurd. » Continue reading “Orthodoxy Tongue-in-Cheek”

Comments off